How do I stop the hurt when I do not know where I went wrong? I am trying so very hard to do what is right, to live the way God wants me to live, yet it often seems wrong or so I think when it appears to me that I keep messing my life up, even when I am trying to live right. It hurts when I feel like I am unable to do anything right, especially when I know, I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I have to keep reminding myself of this scripture to push out the negative feelings. I want so much out of life and I know the only way to have what I want is to give God what He wants and what He so richly deserves; my praise and honor and anything He asks of me, (Psalm 34:1 ESV) “I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth”. I often think, who am I to expect so much and give so little in return? Yet, as Christians, in our human state going about our daily lives, that is what we do.
I am eager to know God better than I do and to hear His voice more distinctly each time I call His name. (Psalm 5:3 NIV) “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” I do not want any more distractions. I have so much to do and there are times when I just want to sit still, let go and let GOD! (Psalm 46:10 NLT) "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." Yet I have to keep pressing toward the mark (Philippians 3:14 KJV). I read, fast, pray, mediate, talk to GOD, sit in silence, worship, praise HIM, listen to music to keep me focused on God and still I feel like I am not doing enough. I work on my walk daily. I have gone from seeking God occasionally, like I used to do when I was in need or attended church, to seeking Him daily and asking Him for guidance and direction throughout my day, praying, Lord, I cannot go through my day without you. I need you more than I need anything else. You are the air I breath, because of You I am able to see another day, Hallelujah!
When I have so much on my mind and I am desperate for an answer and I cannot hear God speak to me, I go to His word and look for the subject of my thoughts in scripture to find the answer (Proverbs 3:5 NIV) “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on our own understanding.” It is in His word that I learn I have to trust God. Failing to trust God is wrong and things do not work when I try to work it out on my own, I found that interesting. I am working on building my trust in the Lord and I know I trust Him, even if I do not trust myself or if He is answering me. I think sometimes God is talking to me and it could be me making up answers in my head. I know that sounds crazy, but when you really want something, whether it is bad or good for you, there is no telling what you are actually hearing, especially when the voice is the same. That is why I have to see it in scripture. I am constantly checking myself to make sure I am doing what is right and saying what is right because I cannot afford to keep messing up. I am thankful the Holy Spirit walks with me and keeps me out of trouble. I want to move forward. I want to get out of this place I am in. I used to think I was in a forest trying to find my way out, now I feel like I am in a jungle, fighting to get out, as I stay away from the vultures and the creatures who want to harm me.
I can only trust the Lord, with my heart, my mind, my soul, my finances and my destiny. He knows my future; my problem is I want to know it too. I am not impatient, but until I know what direction I am going in, (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I am either wandering in this forest or standing in a cross road, waiting. (2 Samuel 22:2-4 ESV) “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior; you save me from violence. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” I have chosen to wait and allow God to lead me, realizing I have more lessons to learn.
(Hebrews 12:10-15 NLT) “For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness.” No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.
(1 Peter 2:19-21 NLT) For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.
I will keep seeking God, no matter what I am going through, because I know He is working it out for me! AMEN!