For so long I waited for an opportunity such as this, only to fail to meet my objective and fall short of the expectation. It has been tough rounding up my thoughts and getting motivated to do the things I want to accomplish and I am not sure why. My spirit is challenged daily with wrong thinking, multiple distractions; feelings of despair, anger, letting silly things that do not matter annoy me, and staying in the will of God. Why? What is going on with me? God has been wonderful to me and here I am falling short again. God help me, please. I do not understand what is going on. I am tired; I do not want to do anything, except sleep and rest. Is it mental? Emotional? I know one thing; I cannot give up even though that is what I want to do. I fight with myself everyday all day to get it together. I am so thankful I have a relationship with God that I can talk to Him and share with Him what I am feeling and get a regular gut check. Now if I can only get myself in gear, I can finish all that I have started and need to finish. (Philippians 4:13 NLT – For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.)
When I feel I have failed God after He has richly blessed me, I hurt. I hurt so badly one time that I repented many times during the day and night, fasted, cried and grieved. I never want to feel like that again. Falling short of the glory of God is not a good feeling, although it says in (Romans 3:23-25 NLT – 23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past,)
I often feel that no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try to be good, even perfect, one step in the wrong direction, my slip and I can get off track. I generally do not have any fears, because I know with God is always with me, (Proverbs 3:23 NLT – They keep you safe on your way, and your feet will not stumble.)(Psalms 23:4 NLT – Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.), (Psalms 34:4 NLT – I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears), (Isaiah 54:17 NLT - But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!..), but I fear slipping and straying away from God. When I think about it sometimes, I remember that I am rooted and I can only strengthen my roots through the word. However, I become disappointed when I am seen in a negative way, then I have to remember that because I have God in my life, I am better than whom they think or say I am. I am blessed. I am blessed to have people in my life to love and accept me for me. No one can change me but God. When I forget, God reminds me of His everlasting goodness. I should not let anyone take that from me, show me or tell me different!
When it gets tough, I no longer pick up the phone and call a friend, I call God. I no longer seek to destroy myself, I seek God. When I need help, I ask God and He answers. Talking to God makes me smile and brings me joy. I do not try to handle things on my own; I leave it in His hands. (Jeremiah 29:12-13 NLT – 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.) and (2 Corinthians 4:17-18 NLT – 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
This time things are not tough, it is not hard, it is overwhelming and I want to rest. (Deuteronomy 2:7 NLT – For the LORD your God has blessed you in everything you have done. He has watched your every step through this great wilderness. During these forty years, the LORD your God has been with you, and you have lacked nothing.) I do not want to be angry anymore. When I heard Pastor A. R. Bernard say one Sunday, “angry people are hurt people”, I identified completely. My past hurts have left me with an enormous amount of anger. I hide this anger because public displays get me in trouble, but when I am home alone, it comes from small occurrences of disappointments and failures. I thought I was dealing with it, but I am avoiding it because I pray about it, I ask for deliverance, but I have yet to deal with it. I want God to take it away so I do not have to deal with it. (Psalm 9:10 NLT– Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.) I know that when the time comes God will prepare me to face the hurts and will heal me after, so I want to be ready, but I want to rest first. (Psalm 119:28 NLT – Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.) No matter what I have gone through and will go through, I am thankful to know God and to know that His word keeps me encouraged and strong. (Romans 12:12 NLT – Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.), and (Psalms 34:1 - A psalm of David, regarding the time he pretended to be insane in front of Abimelech, who sent him away. I will praise the LORD at all times. I will constantly speak his praises). Thank you Lord for always being with me.